Before being baptized

Standing in the water with Tyler and Jon from church

Talking to us about the meaning of baptism

Look at all those who showed up to support or get baptized! AMAZING!

Celebrating together!

We are blessed!

I had a trip down memory lane returning to the youth camp I went to during the summer when I was 12, 13, and 14. The first year no one knew my secret, the second year it was haunting me like crazy and I opened up to my cabin counselor since my parents just found out what had happened, and the third year I was at a point in my life where it was the beginning of many years ahead where I buried the pain from anyone seeing however this year at camp I shared with a new friend I made in my cabin and little did I know by sharing my story I was opening a door in her life to finding her own voice and not feel so alone. She was a survivor herself of sexual abuse and little did I know back then I was helping her all because I used the voice that was silenced. Ten years later she shared that with me when I recently got in contact with her. It touched me hearing that when I least expected it I was helping someone at fourteen by sharing my story. That same voice that has taken me across the country for nearly five years encouraging others to find their voice was helping someone during a time in my life when I thought I was all alone. Little did I know the girl in the bunk across from me carried a similar scar in her life.

I returned Monday at 4pm to Van Buren Youth Camp. It had been ten years since the last time I was there and boy have I been on quiet the journey since I left camp ten years ago. I walked around camp taking it all back in with my cousin Danny who came with me. He attended the camp himself and went on to become a cabin counselor and on staff. The executive director and I walked around and discussed where would be the best place for me to speak. We thought about the stage but then we came to a place at camp called “Thought” it is a place campers go every evening and reflect on their day, life, and whatever is on their mind. I always remember it as a very peaceful place one that I did a lot of reflecting on the secret I carried, the horror that haunted me, and the wondering if this horror will still be haunting me ten, twenty, thirty years from now.

As I stood there ten years later looking down at all the wood logs and looking out at the lake I cannot help but smile. Never would I have imagined when I left ten years ago the next time I’d be coming back I’d be sharing something ten years earlier I was so ashamed of and could talk to barely anyone about.

We decided to do something that is never done in “thought” and that is having everyone face not towards the lake but turned around and have me stand on the other end. Change things up and I thought it would be a perfect intro. I began speaking to the 14-18 year old training camp counselors at leadership camp that they might have noticed they are facing a direction they have never sat before while in Thought. I have come today from Chicago to talk with you about a topic that most of you have never heard anyone talk about yet it affects so many lives.

I direct my speech to the audience I am speaking to. It is never the same speech it all depends on the audience and since I was talking to campers I decided to focus it on my three years at camp experience sharing with them that I began coming to camp in July 1997 but that I would take them back a year earlier to 1996 when my innocence was stolen, trust taken, and life changed by someone in my own family.
I shared how my first year at camp was the greatest escape from the horror that awaited at home. I did not have to worry about my aunt calling me to see if I could come watch my cousins. I was away from it all and for a week I knew I was away from the reach of evil and it was one of the most amazing weeks.

Like most times when I speak I read from my diary or book and I decided since I was at camp to read the diary entry about camp. The campers loved it and many laughed how I shared that when the lights go out at night and were all suppose to go to bed the real party begins and many get in trouble and are told to go to bed. The campers and staff laughed as I read this to them.

I shared with them my second year at camp just months after my silence was broken and the nightmares that followed me to camp and how the abuse may have ended but the memories followed me. I shared how my cabin counselor took me out on my second night outside the cabin and asked me what was going on. I shared with her how I could not sleep the nightmares were keeping me up and eventually told her the secret I was so ashamed to talk about. I pointed out to the campers that the way my cabin counselor responded in a way I hope you will all walk away after hearing me speak and be able to respond if a camper comes to you and discloses sexual abuse and the proper way to handle it, react. and respond. I felt I gave them good education and understading of sexual abuse and how often it occurs.

I shared with them that while they might not cross paths as a camp counselor with a camper that will disclose sexual abuse at some point in their life this conversation will come flooding back to them when someone does disclose their secret and I hope they will allow their voice to be heard. I also pointed out that their are people in this room that have walked in my shoes and I hope they take away the message that they having nothing to be ashamed of and hopefully have found their voice and broke their silence.

Sitting in the audience was also my mother, my Aunt Kathy, and my cousin Danny who was my great assistant taking pictures and video taping my speech. I usually do all my traveling alone and looking at a bunch of people I am meeting for the first time so it is nice to see familiar faces in the audience however I cannot help but see that expression on my mother’s face listening to me share the horror I lived in and now how much it still affects her inside then again as I stood their I also knew how proud she was to see her grown daughter that once could never speak to her about this and had tried for so many years to get me to talk about it standing before an audience of youth and encouraging them to talk about it and become aware of the silent epidemic of sexual abuse.

I took questions at the end and there were quiet a few questions. I always find it interesting what people will ask. One question I seem to always get is Do you talk to your cousin anymore?

After I finished questions I began signing copies of my book and many students came up with postcards of my 2nd book that I handed out. They wanted me to sign those.
Many of the male campers came up to me one hugging me and thanking me for coming. I couldn’t help but notice as they were allowed to leave after hearing me speak a few students sat by themselves on the logs taking in what I said.

A few more minutes passed and I continued to sign books when I was approached by two girls. This situation happens every single time I speak. No matter where I go someone shares their story with me. Whether it is the first time breaking their silence or just feeling they found someone they can relate to. The girls asked if I could talk. I stopped signing and began walking with the girls and took them to an area up near the art cabin to have privacy because I had an idea what they were about to share.

For the next 25 minutes I listened to a fifteen year old share how she was raped at ten by the neighbor across the street who was 18. He was sent to jail for 2 yrs. and never allowed in the town she lives in again. If that didn’t break my heart it was learning that while her parents knew what happened and supported her they never got her any help. It was something she described as they never talked about after he went to jail. She described the nightmares that she has ever single night, and how she uses self-injury to deal with the constant memories she has. Something I am all too familiar with that I began around her age and stopped when I was 18 realizing I was only causing myself more pain, that it is unhealthy, and would not solve anything.

She then shared how she has never seen a therapist. I thought I heard her wrong and I asked her again if she ever saw any type of counselor or therapist when this all came out and she said she never did and her parents never brought her to anyone. I could see the pain in her eyes. She was seeking anything from me to help her escape the horrible memories and “Live for Today”

Shortly after talking with her for a few minutes her eyes filled with tears and I could see the agony on her face. I reached out and embraced her. Hugging her as she cried into my shoulder. I told her over and over she was safe now, that this man could not hurt her, and told her what a couragous step she just took by reaching out and sharing her experience with me. I told her that is a step in the right direction in healing. That holding it in will only continue to haunt you and I informed her that if she did not seek out counseling now that it will follow her into her twenties, thirties, etc. I reminded her she has nothing to be ashamed of and that this was not her choice to be hurt this way but that in order to heal she has to address that wound and allow that ten year old inside her that carries all this pain be heard. I told her it might be uncomfortable at first but once you are comfortable with who you are talking to you will start to feel better not carrying this alone. I told her to start journaling. I encouraged her to write a letter to the man that abused her and what she would say to him today and told her let out all your anger in this letter your feeling and then rip it up or burn it. Another way to release it.

She shared with me that she has gone to her mom about the nightmares and told her mom that she self-injures. Mom told her the nightmares will end and that she needed to stop cutting herself. She shared that she stopped for a time period but then started back up again and her mother told her that she was able to stop on her own before she should be able to stop again.

She was really confused why her mother couldn’t understand how much this was affecting her still. She described how her mom feels she should of moved on by now it has been five years. I explained to her that her mom might have a difficult time with what happened to her because as a mom you want to protect your kids. I told her that her mom may not know how to deal with what happened so she avoids talking about it. I tried explaining what may be going through her mom’s head and the guilt and blame of not being able to protect your daughter she may carry.

I told her that she has made serveral attempts to reach out for help through her mom and it seems to have not worked. I suggested school social worker/counselor and she informed me she talked to her middle school counselor once about it and it did not help. I told her that there has to be agencies in her surrounding areas that offer free counseling and that I would help connect her with someone. She told me she would really like to read my book but that she didn’t bring enough money in her account to purchase it.

At this point the camp staff had already back up the rest of my books and brought them to the camp store to sell the rest of the week. There were only a few copies left. I did still have my copy that is worn and has places marked in it or underlined from different places I have brought it with me and used it to mark my spot where I would read from when giving a presentation. I have brought this copy many places with me and realized at this moment it was the perfect time to give it to someone who needed it. I told her while it is not in the best shape and there are pages marked that she could have it free. She was so grateful and I left her a message inside where I signed and gave her my email contact to help her find a therapist when she returns home from camp.

I am keeping this girl in my prayers and hope you will do the same.

If you have not yet preordered your copy of “Living For Today” that comes out November 2nd you can do it now by clicking here.
http://www.amazon.com/Living-Today-Molestation-Fearlessness-Forgiveness/dp/0757314198/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1245817101&sr=8-3

And if you live in my area I hope you will show up to a local book signing I will be doing during this time throughout the Chicago land area. I plan to be at many places throughout the suburbs and the city of Chicago doing book signings when it is released.

It is nearly 1 am here and I need my sleep. So signing off.

Erin

My Dad and cousin Thom March 2008

On Thursday night my second cousin Thom died from a brian tumor. He was a man full of life who practically owned the town he lived in just thirty minutes from where I grew up. He was the life of the party. A man that married for the first time a month before he died to his girlfriend of more then 10 yrs. He loved St. Patty’s day and for many St. Patrick’s days my family and I have been going to one of the bars he owned to celebrate with many other second and third cousins. He had experienced the death of his twin brother 22 years ago after he was gunned down and murdered. Thom was a model in his twenties even appearing on the front box of Corn Flakes cereal and traveling all around the world like Australia and New Zeland for photo shoots. He graduated from the same undergrad as me Western Illinois University. He then went on to law school and became an attorney.

I was way too young to remember his brother’s funeral just 2 yrs. old but I heard stories about it how his wake was on his property and they put his body atop his Corvette. Well tonight was a wake I was there to witness and one I will never forget. I must say I do not think I will ever go to a wake like that again. His casket remained closed under a huge tent on his property. There were two slide shows under the huge tent of photos of his life. His casket remained closed with images framed of his modeling years and even a man walking around with the framed box of Corn Flakes with Thom’s face on it. There were hundreds upon hundreds of people that showed up. There was even cop directing traffic that is how huge this wake was.

Among many of the guests were people who were once family and now people I only cross paths with at wakes and funerals. People that I have already mourned the loss of them in my life and while they may physically still be alive on this Earth they are not apart of my life after being a huge part of my life for so long. So to attend a wake or funeral that is already sad to begin with especially when it is someone who died before their time it is even harder crossing paths with people that were once “my family” and are no longer.

Just like you would pray for the soul of someone who passed on I pray for the family that are no longer apart of my life and never will be again as long as I live because of their own choice. A choice I will not judge them for, for that is in God’s hands. It is sad how evil found its way into my large extended family and the damage it left in its aftermath.

There was a time at the Wake tonight where I was surrounded for a good period of time by my large extended family all standing around the same area outside the tent. I had little cousins coming up talking to me and I also had this wall of silence surrounding me of people I do not speak with yet use to spend the first 21 years of my life with. My dad has that same wall surrounding him with his family. Then appears that person standing just feet from me that made the decision 13 yrs ago that took my extended family from me because of his actions. Actions he continued for nearly 2 yrs. Actions he confessed to but a family that stood by him and made excuses. In the end he needs their support more then anyone where I do not. He is the one that will carry the guilt with him the rest of his life for what he did. While I have made peace with my cousin Brian and forgiven him there is one thing that won’t leave me each time I cross paths with him and I told my dad about it on the way home from the wake tonight. He still resembles so much of that monster that chased me around the house and locked me behind doors for his own sexual satisfaction. When I first saw him tonight it did not phase me. It was not until I saw him laughing at one of my little cousins that it reminded me of the laugher that used to terrorize me while starring into my eyes and it just creeped me out big time.

As I shared with my dad why can I be at such peace and forgiveness with my cousin in my heart but the sight of him still makes me sick inside. My dad told me he doesn’t think that will ever leave me and that those feelings are totally natural reaction after what he did to me. That is what my mind remembers and I guess after thinking about it some more while on the way home I didn’t have that face to face confrontation. All my communication with my cousin was through emails and telephone when I confronted him in 2003. So I physically was not seeing him say the things he said in his emails to my face. I even pointed that out to him in an email telling him these emails do not sound like the man who held me down and laughed in my face and I said for all I know you have your rooomate sending these responses. That is when I asked to talk with him over the phone. He never agreed to a face to face confrontation because police told him never to be alone with my sister and I. However deep down if that face to face confrontation happpened and he said the things he said in his letter apologizing and asking for forgiveness I think maybe then his appearence would not be such a painful reminder or better yet a creepy reminder. I have to think about this one and sleep on it and see how I can overcome this because there will be plenty more wakes and funerals and I am sure we will run into each other at weddings someday. And of course the beach I see him at in the summer time.

I am hoping he is not at the funeral in the morning. I really want to learn how to cross paths with him without feeling sick, creeped out, or reminded.

My favorite place to spend summer- Lake Geneva, WI

My cousin Sabrina and I. Were both getting baptized this month at Church.

My sister and mom next to their bikes.

While Chance was sick last week he was not eating his food
so someone helped themselves to it on Saturday.

I wrote a poem this week something I have not done in a very long time.

To Whom it May Concern

We were once family
I looked up to you
And I trusted you too
All it took was one night
When everything changed

You betrayed my trust
You took years I cannot get back
You stole my innocence
You changed the course of my life

You chased me around the house
You locked me behind closed doors
You laughed into my face
You silenced my voice

You brought me into more than one closet
You pushed me into the bathroom
You trapped me against the wall in the shower
You tricked me into the storage room
You found me in the basement
You held me down on the couch
You forced me onto many beds
You cornered me any opportunity you had

You told me no one would believe me
You reminded me this was our secret
You said if I told anyone I would destroy our family
You could not keep me silent forever

I found my voice
I exposed the evil inside of you
I struggled for many years after breaking my silence
I live with the memories of your actions the rest of my life
I confronted you to release me from my inner pain
I showed you who was in control now

I did not want revenge
I just wanted answers
I learned so much during those seven months of corresponding

I let go of the anger
I no longer hated you
I stopped wishing you were dead

I read the words I’m sorry
I accepted your apology with forgiveness
I saw God transform my life
I began praying for you

I watched our relatives turn their back on my family and I
I saw them all take your side
I witnessed them go into denial when you confessed
I thought evil had won again
I was hurt to see many upset over an interview I did on television on forgiveness
I am stunned when they learned you molested us and showed no sympathy
I will never understand that and I am sure it saddens God deeply
I have come to learn you need their support we do not
I mourned their loss in my life and have moved on

I am glad they gave you a second chance
I know you need all the support you can get
I cannot imagine living with the shadow that follows you
I only hope you never betray someone in that family again

I wish you all the best in what the rest of your life will bring you
I mean that when I say that.
I have a forgiving heart that will never stop praying for you.
I learned not to be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good.
I did just that with the evil you showed me
I will continue on living for today.